How to be a Perfect Parent

Oh dear, Pip has been in contact with his dad, Jay and it didn't go too well. It never does. I'm now left with a very upset and hurt young man on my hands. He follows me around like a large, lumbering shadow, throwing insulting comments about Jay, trying to get me to solve this latest problem. Unfortunately, Jay's behaviour is as incomprehensible and self-centred as Pip's is. There is no solution, one of them has to back down and as usual, I know I can work on Pip's self-obsessiveness but I can't do anything with Jay.

It started innocently enough. Pip wanted to learn to drive a car and asked me if he could add his name to my insurance. I can, but it will cost me hundreds of pounds and I simply can't afford it. Pip decided to ask his father for the money by email. The answer should have been 'no' but Jay is too sophisticated for that; he has to give a totally spurious reason for refusing, preferably one which can easily be satisfied. This time he excelled himself. Jay couldn't pay for the insurance because Pip is only 16 and doesn't have a license. Except, Pip can apply for and receive a provisional license now, it just won't be valid until Pip's birthday in 4 months time. Pip knew he could overcome this hurdle, so he wrote back to Jay. Jay then gave a more valid reason, he can't give Pip more money than he gives the other two children. By that time, Pip wasn't putting up with any more reasons.

In the meantime, Pip told me about this correspondence, I told him that Jay made an arrangement to pay half of the children's additional educational expenses and has been reneging on the agreement for Nina since January, 2009. He has refused to contribute towards Pip's and Alex's additional expenses since July 2009. By the time you include the short university taster course for Nina, Pip's travel costs, the school trip for Alex and the new school uniforms, I am already a thousand pounds out of pocket. 'Don't worry, I'll get it back off the selfish bastard,' Pip assured me. I laughed, Jay has a reputation for selfishness and meanness which would make the hardest skinflint jealous and he is an expert in punishing people by withholding finance. I've already missed two payments of the children's maintenance to force me to see sense and go back to work and he stopped my maintenance in case I was living with someone and they were benefitting from his generosity. I wasn't, I presented a sworn statement to the court, but it made no difference, the money, all £150 per month, wasn't reinstated.

But back to the clash of the titans. Pip wrote to Jay:

Jay
you only care about yourself you don't care about anyone else and you make up stupid excuses and never realy live up to them o and by thw way you owe me two football strips, an underdones lp and many more items and i doubt you will ever give them to me because you are a self obssesed git who only cares about himself all my mates at school who i can't see outside of school because i have got no money there pairents take them to football and pay for them do drive and give tham £80 a week and don't you say that they must be rich because yuo know full well where you put all you money yep betfair all i hear about is your health and your problems

o i have now got a provisional so i have got a licance but i doubt you will pay for insurance like you said if i got a licance

oh and by the way you probebley won't reply to this coz of your helth is bad
BLOODY TWAT

Pip

In the past, Jay has accused me of poisoning the children against him but I sincerely hope he doesn't think I would allow that email, riddled with errors, out of the house. All those years of additional spelling and grammar support and Pip is still unable to spell or construct a sentence. I can cross English teacher, solicitor, marketing executive and proof reader off the list of potential careers for Pip, damn!

Jay replies in one of his best, cold blooded replies. He emails from work, with his characteristic signature, jam packed with his many qualifications:

Dear Pip

I can see that this is quite an angry email.

I am sorry you are angry that I did not send you things – I remember you wanted helium once but I thought it was too dangerous. I did send a cheque once and you ripped it up and sent it back.

Its 5 years now since I last saw you. Your friends probably see their mums and dads every day or maybe at least every two weeks if they are separated. Maybe also your friends don’t call their fathers gits or tw___s as you have taken to doing. How do you think that makes me feel? Maybe also your friends say thank you occasionally for things. You your sister and you brother don’t even do that now. I took a lot of care choosing Nina’s and Alex’s last presents and what thanks did I get – none. I just had the phone put down on me. Some people would say that is being ungrateful.

I am sorry you are fed up with hearing about by health, but at least I can keep working and help keep a roof over your head while I am still fit.

I will send you something for your birthday to do with what you like. You may choose to put it towards car insurance. When you are 18 I will spend as much money on you as I did when Nina was 18 – it’s only fair.
Lots of love
Dad

I mentally repeated my mantra 'it's all about him' as I read the email. No mention of the fact that Pip does thank his father or that Jay promised lots of presents but never bought them, just reminders that his health is bearing up and that the other children are ungrateful.

I asked Pip not to reply but of course he had to, like a pre-programmed computer. From then on, the facts came tumbling out. Jay had a sports car when he was at university, but it was his father's old one which they hadn't got round to selling. Pip couldn't have his father's old Ford Focus because it had been exchanged for another sports car. This was to augment the other two cars which Jay and his wife now own. Jay was forced to start buying two seater sports cars because Pip and Alex refused to see him, so he had no need for family saloons. Jay's mother added Jay to her car insurance when he was at University, so it is written in stone that mothers have to sort it out. Jay already has to pay me over a thousand pounds a month (four hundred pounds of which never leaves his bank account). And finally, just to rub salt into Pip's wounds, Jay told him 'I know what it is like to be the poor person - it makes you appreciate more of what you do have.' I assume that his poverty refers back to the time when he had to manage with a second-hand sports car and free insurance – poor times indeed.

Pip, in the meantime, decided to change his surname to my maiden name and it had to be done that evening. I spent the evening negotiating a time delay before he changes his name but dashed off an email to his school warning them that it might happen in the near future.

Pip doesn't understand that Jay builds barriers between himself and the people who love him. He doesn't understand that Jay cannot understand the needs of others so will never be generous or thoughtful. He doesn't understand that Jay blames everyone else for his misfortunes, that he alternates between blaming me for his failed relationships with the children and blaming them. And Pip, similarly blessed with a complete lack of empathy, can see no parallels between his own and Jay's behaviour. His first reaction was anger, which has been so typical for both Pip and Jay but more recently this has dissolved into upset. He is slowly coming round to the idea that Jay will never be the parent he wants, that Pip is not an important part of Jay's life and that Jay will never be more than an angry, self obsessed individual.

We have spent over a week now, going over the same old story, gleaning insights into Jay's character, searching through his emails for signs of manipulation and of lies, we have discussed the idea of trusting someone who always puts his own wishes above the needs of others, we have analysed his thoughts and feelings, his desire to punish one child for the behaviour of another and his ability to blame me for all his woes. It all wrenches open old wounds and I find myself exhausted by helping Pip to make sense of his relationship with his father, calming his anger, listening to him as he drones on and on about how he feels and not least, by remembering the misery which characterised my marriage to Jay.

Some days are better than others but there have been bleak times, like when Pip seamlessly went from insulting his father to insulting and threatening his brother. Within minutes, Pip had thrown his glasses on the floor, the lens rolling under the coffee table, and stormed out of the house into the dark night, shouting abuse. I refused to follow him, angry at his sudden flash of aggression and furious that the new glasses were already broken. Our visitor sat there, open mouthed in shock and confused by the sudden outcome. I sank my head into my hands, pulled myself together then fell to the floor, trying to recover the glasses parts. I mumbled my usual apologies to the room and the visitor looked up and mumbled back the trite comments that people usually make. I felt the tears welling in my eyes and busied myself with the glasses. I was clearly so distressed by the whole matter that I couldn't work out how to put the lens back into the frame. I began to panic at my own weakness, then it finally twigged – the lenses had popped out before and Pip had put them both back, in the wrong sides. He must have been unable to see for the last few weeks, yet he never questioned why. Suddenly, I felt all my anger disperse, I stood up and announced to my bemused family and friend 'He's been wearing his bloody glasses the wrong way round! What bloody hope is there for him?' picked up the phone, dialled his mobile and barked 'You've been out long enough, get back here now and stop being so bloody theatrical!' Just like a little lamb, he came in, went to his bedroom and gave me a much needed night off from counselling.