Another Quiet Weekend

This weekend has been a total washout. I look back and the majority of our weekends since last September have been a total washout. Nothing new there, then.

Nina has taken the day off school and is trying to catch up with her sleep. This time, when I phoned the school, I didn't excuse her absence with vague hints about stomach aches or sore throats, I told the truth: 'Nina won't be at school today, her brother has Asperger's Syndrome and got himself into a state. We've had a traumatic weekend, Nina and I are both still upset and she is in no state to face school this morning.' It's the first time I have told the truth directly, which just shows how traumatised we really are. As I write this, I alternate between despair and anger.

So, what caused it all?

Pip has decided that he wants to learn to drive. He is only 16 but can already apply for a provisional license. One of his favourite all time fun activities is applying for car insurance quotes on line. Before, it was just a fun thing to do but now, with only six months to go until he can sit in the driving seat of a car, he is a man on a mission. He has decided that it will probably cost another £700 to add him to my insurance and was surprised and disappointed in me when I said I wasn't going to triple my insurance just so that he could learn to drive. I had already told Nina the same thing and she had accepted it with some grace but obvious disappointment. Let's get this straight, I'm a single parent surviving on child benefits and carer's allowance, it's a struggle to find the money for car tax, let alone splurging out another £700. Pip somehow managed to accept my decision with bad grace and moved on............. to his father, Jay. I begged him not to contact him, as Jay is like some Old Testament caricature of a father and will not respond well to a demand for money.

Of course Pip didn't listen, wrote the email anyway and was surprised when his father replied in a negative fashion, stating that he wouldn't give Pip the money as he hadn't got a licence. Pip was furious at being thwarted. I was furious because the refusal was based on the rather stupid premise that Pip didn't have a licence yet, so at some point, when that argument no longer applies, Jay would be obliged to either ignore Pip, or make up another excuse. I asked Pip to leave it, but Pip is obsessive, so he typed a rather well written response. I say that it was rather well written, meaning he wrote in sentences, most of it made sense and he used a spell checker. I don't mean that it was appropriate, polite, acceptable or inoffensive. I think any email which ends on the high note 'You are a selfish twat' is bound to cause offence and this one did.

His father, for once, wrote quite a sensible reply. He didn't detail his health problems or take a swipe at me, or even mention that I was taking up the majority of his finances (which I'm not, but he has never relied on honesty in an argument). He argued, quite rightly, that he would not give Pip more money than he gave to Nina or Alex. He also argued that Pip's friends wouldn't write such an offensive email to their parents. Now, there is some question about whether Pip has friends or whether they are just random people he talks at, but let's just pretend, for the sake of it, that they are real friends.

I know, from talking to the parents of other children in Pip's school, that verbal abuse is terrifyingly common. Most of the children describe their parents as 'selfish twats' on a daily basis. We learn to behave like the proverbial duck in water and just shrug it off.

When Pip read that bit out to me, I laughed and thought of Ella, who is known as 'that f****** bitch' by her Asperger's son. However, I took the opportunity to beg Pip not to write back, to accept that Jay would not send him the money and move on. But Pip wouldn't and spent Friday night worrying about it. He was clearly already working himself up for a tantrum.

On Saturday morning I drove Nina to the nearby town, to her voluntary work. I came back to chaos.

Jo, the neighbour's son, had been round and had accidentally broken one of Pip's darts. Darts is one of Pip's new obsessions and I had originally been quite delighted that he had taken up a new hobby which didn't involve stalking politicians or goading on children with ADHD. I walked in to find Pip screaming at Alex, who coolly reminded him that it was an accident and Jo would replace the broken dart but it wasn't enough for Pip, he wanted a proper punishment and since Jo had long since escaped, Alex and I had to pay the price in his stead. I dozed in between the bouts of verbal abuse, tired from a week of Pip's restless nights. By teatime he had remembered silly little events at school, where teachers hadn't responded immediately and effectively to name calling or offensive stares from other pupils. It was becoming clear to him that there was a major conspiracy against him.

By bedtime, he felt that I wasn't very supportive, I didn't love him, I couldn't be trusted and I was part of the conspiracy.

I went to bed, grateful for some peace.

Sunday morning dawned bright and sunny. Alex's football had been cancelled so he arranged to meet his friend at the gym. I looked forward to a late morning church service followed by an hour or two in the pub with friends. As the time drew near, Nina tentatively knocked on Pip's door and asked him if he wanted to come to church. The response was offensive but left us in no doubt that he wouldn't be leaving his room any time soon. A while later, with my coat and shoes on and Nina standing on the step, I approached Pip's door again. I used my most coaxing, reassuring tones 'Darling, I would like to go to church but I'm worried you are unhappy, will you be alright?' 'I won't kill myself and I won't run away but I can't trust you, you've let me down.' Pip barked in response, the bitterness and anger exuding from every word he spat out.

That did it for me. Pip was clearly blaming me for all his imagined misfortunes and the longer I left it, the more I would be expected to suffer. I calmly walked downstairs and informed Nina that she would have to make her own way up to church. 'I'm not going without you,' she wailed. I was torn between pleasing myself and Nina and pleasing the mad despot who was lying brooding in his bedroom. I chose the despot but couldn't resist telling him how much he had upset us.

'I'm not going to church because you are being stupid. I hope you are happy that your selfishness has paid off. Get downstairs now, if Nina can't go to church then I'm going to take you out for a walk, so she doesn't have to suffer you and your evil behaviour all day!' I screamed. He got up and came downstairs but I was too angry to look him in the eye. 'You'll have to wait while I make the lunch for Nina and Alex. It isn't fair that they have to starve, give up their activities and stay at home by themselves all because someone broke your dart!' I screamed. Pip just hang around the hall way, sullenly.

There was something so familiar about Pip's anger and his response to me. I was transported back to life with Jay, his anger, his aggression, his lack of empathy and his (erroneous) view that I couldn't be trusted. I suppose the years of abuse welled up inside me and I snapped.

For half an hour I screamed at Pip that my life was being horribly dictated to by his stupid, twisted mind, that Nina and Alex didn't have a life because he had to destroy their happiness and peace, that he always ruined the weekends for us, blaming me for every set-back he suffered. I was mean and selfish but months of stifled pain came tumbling out and somewhere I was having to accept the distressing truth that basically, he was no better than this father. Three years of therapy, years of providing a calm environment and what had I achieved? A bitter, twisted, paranoid man, just like Jay.

I threw the half cooked dinner on the floor, threw the kitchen knife into the table and started sobbing to myself. I was only half aware of Nina coming in, putting her arms around me and telling me gently to stop before I said something I regretted. That just made it worse, as I was aware of all the times I had allowed Pip's ego to dictate the family's lifestyle.

Eventually I sobbed myself quiet and I took Pip out. We drove to a lay-by out in the Peak District, parked the car and I pushed my seat back and lay there, alternating between sobbing and sleeping. By three, I was sufficiently calm and rested to make the return journey. Alex met me in the hall way and hung on to me, he'd been worried about me. I went to bed and slept through the night.

This morning I woke up with the alarm and dragged myself out of bed, to ensure that the despot got to school on time. I almost threw his breakfast at him, telling him that I was too upset by his behaviour and couldn't face sitting in the dining room with him.

He ate his breakfast and ran off to his taxi. He texted me later in the day 'School going well, hope you are having a nice day.' By that time hysteria had taken over and I roared with laughter, Nina rushed in, read the text and muttered 'Bastard!' before joining in.